Are You Lonely In Love

Funmi and her husband Shola were having breakfast in their kitchen on a Saturday morning, they were reading the papers, their two children were also there, eating and chatting away. It seemed the ideal scene of a happy family. But, for Funmi, this harmony is illusory. Every so often, she commented on something she'd read, and although Shola replied amiably, she felt they did not connect sometimes. "I feel that i cannot read him and that we are separate entities", says Funmi. "I cant talk to him about the things I'm interested in such as  monies and emotions" she lamented. Funmi feels there's something missing. In short, she feels lonely.

                Although, Funmi may not realize a sense of loneliness in a relationship is common. And whether this is results from a lack of physical closeness or emotional intimacy, the effects can
be distressing and isolating. Couples can feel isolated from each other due to in compatibility, career trajectories that take them in different directions or the big one infidelity. It is hard to admit to ourselves, let alone anyone else, that we feel lonely.
We believe loneliness must signal the breakdown of a relationship.

CAUSE OF LONELINESS IN RELATIONSHIPS
***      A breakdown in communication is the most common cause of loneliness. This can happen gradually. A simple misunderstanding can lead one partner to withdrawn and slowly, a wall builds up between them. David, currently single, has been dogged by loneliness throughout his life. In the first few months of a relationship, 'I am seduced by the romance and intimacy it brings, but then withdraw.' This leads to argument, and eventually, the inevitable end of the relationship.

***      Getting too close too soon can also cause loneliness. "When Shola and i first got together, we were infatuated and withdrew into our own world", admits  Funmi. "Now, realizing that i do need other people but, at the same time, I'm obsessed by the thought that we are not connecting as we should be that the things that matter to me means nothing to him". What Funmi doesn't realize is that developing independent friends and interests isn't a betrayal of her marriage. She has learn not to fret about their different interests and focus on enjoying the things they both enjoy.

***       Depression also causes loneliness. When you get depressed, you withdraw and then you feel lonely and threatened, so you withdraw still further. "I remember lying next to my boyfriend Tayo one evening says Seyi. He was reading a book and although i desperately wanted to hold him, I felt as if he was behind a wall of ice. I could see him, but i couldn't touch him. I felt so distant and alienated, I started to cry silently. I couldn't continue with him so i ask him to stop calling me and stop coming to see me." What Seyi didn't realize at that time was that Tayo was depressed. A year later, Seyi realize that it was Tayo's depression that was preventing them from communicating. "People often say, Had I known that my partner withdrew from me because he/she was depressed, it would have made all the difference", When depressed people are not as communicative as they should, their partners resent it and react negatively, which makes them feel lonely. Depression is a problem that should be treated separately from any relationship bones.

HOW TO COMBAT LONELINESS IN A RELATIONSHIP

***      Embrace separate interest:- Your partner needs to understand how important your passion are e.g. hobbies, friends. They don't necessarily need to share them.
External independent are vital to a healthy relationship.

***      Learn to communicate:- Use the language of awareness by starting your statements with 'I' 'Not' 'You'. This gives you ownership of your feelings, rather than projecting them onto the other, which can be perceived as an attack.

***      Make connections:- Ensure that your three basic needs for connection are being met. Cultivate a support network of family and friends to stave off feelings of loneliness.

***      Understand your past:- If you're sensitive to feelings of exclusion, identify what is behind these. They may be unrelated to your relationship, instead stemming from family dynamics and childhood experience. Understanding where your sense of exclusion comes from can be the first step to overcoming it.